


If By Chance

by SeeBeeStrellacott



Series: Oh, The Angst [1]
Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/M, Inspired by Music, Internal Monologue, Musical References, lethal white
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25656577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeBeeStrellacott/pseuds/SeeBeeStrellacott
Summary: Internal dialogue during the Paralympic Reception in Lethal White.
Relationships: Robin Ellacott/Cormoran Strike
Series: Oh, The Angst [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860244
Kudos: 26
Collections: Musical Musings - Cormoran Strike Fic Exchange





	If By Chance

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a new series, Oh The Angst, where I explore the thoughts and feelings of various characters during certain scenes from the books. All are canon compliant, no re-writes. Most, if not all, are also inspired by music (as most of my fics are).
> 
> If you have a scene, character, or song you would like me to explore, leave it in the comments or on my Tumblr, @seebee239.
> 
> You can find the song inspiration for this work [ here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m2XqQQ7jrE).

From “If By Chance” by Ruth B

_And I don’t mean to be selfish_

_But my heart breaks every time_

_That I see you smile_

_‘Cause I know that it’s not me_

_Who brings it out of you anymore_

_You found somebody new_

_You put me in the past_

_I don’t even know if our memories will last_

_But if by chance it doesn’t work out with her_

_You’ll always have a chance with me in my world_

I look through my dresses, trying to pick the perfect one. I try to imagine which one you would prefer, just like I always do. I don’t admit it to myself, but you’re always on my mind, guiding my actions. I choose the dress I think you would like best, even if I don’t plan on seeing you. It’s what I’ve come to think of as “my color”. I know that you think I look good in this color, and I have to agree. I’m feeling self-conscious tonight, but knowing that you would think I’m beautiful lessens my discomfort.

At the reception, I watch as Prince Harry enters. I play it cool, acting like I don’t care. I’m still self-conscious, trying to fit in. I follow his progress through the crowd, wondering if I might have the chance to get closer. It would make a great story. I wonder what you would think of the reception, of attending the same function as a royal. You probably wouldn’t care. You’re much better at nonchalance, because for you, it’s genuine.

I turn and, almost as if my thoughts have summoned you, there you are, right in front of me. I can feel my face flush and try to cover it quickly, hoping you don’t notice. As you look at me, I can see the desire in your eyes, and I know that I’m not alone in my feelings. But I can see you holding back, erecting a wall between us. I am married, after all.

We talk, and I can see that you’re fighting your attraction for me. I wish you would just give in; we both know it’s only a matter of time.

You’re distracted. I turn to see a stunning vision in green. I can’t blame you for being distracted, see she is beautiful. Jealousy flares inside me. I know I have no right, I’m not yours. Not right now, at least. But she’s exactly your type, and that bothers me. Another stab of jealousy as I recognize her. She’s not some random woman that caught your fancy, you know her. This bothers me even more, and so I fight to bring your attention back to me. 

She may have the advantage of being more attractive, but I have something better. I know you; I know how you think, what you like. I know how to reel you in, I’ve done it countless times. 

I can tell you’re put off by the parasites growing inside me. Trust me, I don’t want them either. As soon as I can, I’ll get rid of them, I’ll leave my husband, and there will be nothing standing between us. I made a mistake. I overestimated your ability to forgive, or perhaps I overestimated the effectiveness of my games. Either way, I feel the pain of that mistake every day. 

I know I have a lot of ground to make up. You’re still angry with me, as you have every right to be. You feign disinterest, but I know you better than that. Your barely disguised anger proves that there’s still feelings there. You’re remembering the good times. It’s that history of passion that I can use to my advantage.

Go ahead, have your fun with that one, the woman in green. I’m reminded of that song, the one that always makes me think of you. “Is it so wrong of me to hope she breaks your heart? Is it so wrong of me to pray she tears you apart? And I know that in the darkest part of you, you pray and hope and wish for it too.” Try as you might, you still want me. I can see it in your eyes. You want me to leave my husband. You want her to break your heart. Because you belong with me, and sooner or later you will be mine once again. My Bluey.

Sooner or later.

_My_ Bluey. 


End file.
